De-etiolation

 about a sparks of sunshine that once blessed to my

I met him at a gathering event of my first semester in university. We were showed an inspirational video, with a friendly back sound on my ear. It was the same song on my 10^th grade motivational video on an Islamic Religion class. I enjoyed the song that year of 2013 but can’t find the title since it was on Japanese. I could write down it’s lyrics on the faculty’s religious community gathering since I’ve learned Japanese on my 11^th and 12^th grade. It was Ayumi by GreeeeN.

The song was so catchy, but I can’t enjoy it since I was busy write it’s lyric on my notes. When the song is repeating, I relax my eyes by wandering my sight through the room. All the students were hypnotized with the video, but one. I found one man paying no attention to the video but lip-singing the song with slight dancing. I have a good sight and he was not too far away, so I was surprised with the synchronization between his lip sing and the actual words sounds—my only thought was: he knew the song, even understand its’ lyric. I can remember how Japan’s culture affects my social affairs. I silently marked him on my head as a target to befriend.

One thing that brings me absolute joy was because he encourages me, supporting me, and cheers me. I was having some stuff messed up and he was there with an aid, even not knowing that I was having wounds. His letter that we exchange at the end of the semester is my treasure. There is a lot of his motivation and supports there. He also treats me just like an ordinary woman, not over-respecting me just like another man that had a crush on me that time. He acts just like the first-guy on my primary school, and I am pretty comfortable with that.

At the 2^nd semester he even asks me to visit some places on our university along with his friend. It was near the final exams. But he calm me by taking us three under the shades, staring at the main office building of our university, sharing a fruit he picked from faculty, and drives us to share each other’s story. We were stopped by the rain but it was a great memory for me. He was also once sends me a funny music video when I have some argument with my parents—which breaks my heart apart. I remember how I laughing and crying at the exact same time that moment and this idea passing.

If there comes a moment when none of any law is applied, the single thing I wished to do is hug him, crying thanks on his shoulder, and telling him how grateful and happy I am for having him around.

On my etiolated world where I was raised to grow faster but somehow weaker, he is a sunshine that told me to photosynthesis, to have a faith on myself, on my targets, on my dreams.

On the 3^rd semester he asked me if he could borrow my novels. I brought about 3 or 4 of them to the faculty as we agreed. But he was just leaving to the student hall, about more than 1 km away, forgetting. I was angry, so much. Not only because he never talk about that and even get farther from me, but also because I almost give my precious treasures to that kind of person. Books are my absolute treasure. I even once yelled at my 3 years old brother when he messed with my books. We met weeks later by accident and I took him out of the crowd—there was a festival on our faculty. I spit all of my anger out and I was surprised as he doesn’t show any regret while apologizing. I decided to fuck off, stop talking, letting him go.

I never talked to him again that time.  I can’t remember but at the time he wa sabroad I finally talked to him again. I was asking him to do me a favor when he gets back; and he accepts it. When he gets back he surprised me with asking me to watch a movie with his friends.I accept his offer and made an agreement to talk about it on next class.

After the classroom I found him busy with things so I decided to left since he used to forget his promises and I also had my vertigo. When I get to my rent room, I texted him the available seats and told him that the schedules are bad since the film is 3 hours long we can’t perform prayers if we go after 12 pm. I later decided not to go with them, but he replied my text before.

“Sorry, talk about it later? I got stuffs to do.”

“Okay. I saw you at class but look busy so I don’t bother to disturb. Keep up the good works, big bro.”

“Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. Finish your works dude.”

“Actually I am having trouble.” I was shocked by this sentence. I replied him in a rush even though I already dimmed my lamp and prepared for a nap to reduce my headache.

“Um, really? What is going on?”

“Do you have a free time today?” I silenced for a while. What happened? I was somehow worrying about him. It was just not so him.

But still, I can’t forget what he did to me. I cannot put anyone on top of my priority now. “It depends on your urgency.”

“I want to talk to you about this.” I was staring at my phone. My mind remembering the time he asked me for a favor: about a clash with friend, about checking his grades, about using my ATM to transfer several money that he pay back with cash in minutes, so what is this about?

“I have a meeting at 4, maybe lasts until evening. I had my report revised but it can wait I think.”

“Good. Tell me if you are done with your meeting. We should go to a place that you can finish your report then, student hall’s food court?”

“Sounds great. See you, I have my vertigo getting worse, need to sleep.”

“Me either. Should take a rest after this stuff.”

We meet later that night. He was asking if my vertigo getting worse or something but I am sure the nap was a good cure. Then he tells me about his problem that happened because he left abroad and skipped some schedules.

“Is this also because of you didn’t win anything on the tournament?” I was so mean. My bad.

“No, it is not…” He mess his hairs, silenced a while then pass me his phone. “But, you know, maybe. Here is the text Mr. Lecturer sent me just all of sudden.”

I read the text. Our lecturer sounds pretty upset. If I was the one receiving that, I might die in frighten in a second. “It is like all of my works are not appreciated. I did not win anything later ended up with this mess. The schedule I planned for substitute practice is all broken. Who told him anyway? Oh My God. I can’t figure out what to do.”

“This is bad.” I hand him his phone back. “Let’s figure this out in a clear mind. Not to accuse someone, but to make a solution. It is meaningless to blame anyone. Seems like I have a practice’s handbook with me, I’ll check out the regulation, okay?”

“You are right.” He breathed desperately, later tried to ask for some technical clues to his laboratory assistance. “Thank you.”

“No problem. But I can’t find the book, seems like I left it at my room.” I closed my bag. “Hey, don’t cry, oh man. You did a good job, always. I am proud of you. Don’t be sad.”

“I am not crying, girl.” He chuckled. “I just woke up so my eyes got watery. Thank you by the way.”

That time, for the first time ever, I felt sympathy when he focused on his phone. He mumbled some problem on his martial art club—which he currently inaugurated as its captain—later laughed at some junk-joke he found somewhere. I used to get upset when he focused on his phone on our meeting, but today I just realized how busy he is. He shows himself as a free man with no schedule, but in fact he has a lot of stuffs to get done. For the first time, I felt sorrow when looking at his smile.

“Thank you for spending your time for me.” He said when we should get separated.

“No problem.” I smiled. “What I cannot do for you?”

He laughed, but it was a fact. He used to say that to me; but I never take that seriously until that time.